I don't want to be like this.
I never wanted to be like this.

I'm shaking again,
Here it comes.
Grip your fists and squeeze your eyes shut,
It'll all be over soon.
Gasping for air,
Chest heaving.
Up and down, up and down.

Tears pouring,
Streaming down my face.
Choke them back,
You're better than this.
Knees curled up to the chest,
Shivering.
Quaking.
Dig your nails into your shins,
You can make it through,
You're better than this.

Gulping down air,
Draw the sheets up tight.
Sweat sticking to the back of the neck,
Trickling down.
Slowly, slowly.

Hand reaching out,
Mind screaming.

No.

No!

You're better than this,
You can make it through.
You've done it before,
Do it again.

I can't.
I can't do it again.
I can't go through with it every time.
It's too hard.

Fingers curl into a ball,
Arm quivering.
Outstretched.
Inches away.

White knuckles,
Unfurl slowly.
Reluctant,
But so desperate.

Feeling slowly around,
Searching.
Sweeping the underside of the shelf,
There it is.

Innocently wedged,
In a blob of blue tack.
Shining demon.
My weapon of choice.

Nails pick at the underside,
Peel it away.
Shaking arms,
Haul it back.
Eyes refuse to open,
Body shivers.
It's wrong.
It's so wrong.

You're better than this.

No.

No!